you are the cosmic american, gal

its a beautiful day. one of the nicest i have seen in a long time. and yet i cant get myself out into it, im stuck here, wedged like a dutch boy in a dam. its become a daily thing, the "ok. youre done" mantra. its like the difference between "you can do this" and "i can do this." i discovered that one while i was driving.

i love to drive, it probably comes from something forgotten. its probably the seeds of something that never got to grow. the soil was too thick perhaps. maybe it smothered them. when i drive, it is the only time i feel like i am in control of anything. even if i fuck it up, even if i kill us all. its just me, and its just the road. ive started to develop massive control issues. i get tense if anyone so much as suggests something else. maybe i should work on my breathing.

ive been thinking a lot about college, as much as i can without actually acknowledging it. because then its real, and then i have to deal with it. today i did nothing. i took my trash out, actually. a rather large step. because i have been staring at the ever growing pile of junk next to my door for over a month now. todays the day. i dont know why it took me so long, it really was that easy.

i played ogre with my two little cousins. kids have gotten more violent since my time. threatening to kill and shoot, it makes me nervous. and it also makes me laugh. it sjust one of those things. like how i can't do anything perfectly, how that makes me upset. or how if i WERE to do something perfectly i would probably feel even worse. there is nothing to improve upon if it comes out perfect the first time. i think my biggest fear is knowing that my best is behind me.

the other day i was talking with my friend, and we were drunk, because we always are, and it was one of those high-speed-frantically-deep talks, where everything you say is exactly how it is. i told her then that my biggest fear was what i would feel the second before death. but now, im not so sure. i have always been afraid of death, a kind of paralyzing fear, that would never let me think of it or speak of it, because then it would make it true. i am absurdly lucky in the fact that I have so far never had anyone very close to me die. i couldn't imagine it. i know that someday i will have to experience that, but thats also one of those things that im just not ready to accept. anyway, the point for this second is, that im not afraid of death right now. im more afraid that when death comes, i wont be ready.

its beautiful out, and my family is fighting, and im more than a little bit lonely, but i dont actually want to be near anyone. its too much work. i guess im just constantly searching for that thing, those seeds that were smothered. is it the kind of thing that can be replanted? because i know that at some point i was there, i was at the sunny patch and i did something right. i guess time will tell if ive put myself into an unsolvable situation.