learning the blues

Today is dark. The clouds are heavy and so are my eyes. Puffy from shifting in my sleep and dreaming about rain.

I have an affinity to the south, I want those hot winds that knock you out, and hold you up. I want to stick my toes in the Mississippi (em-eye-ess-ess-eye-ess-ess-eye-pee-pee-eye)river, and run through fields full of..what do they grow down there.. tobacco? Sure, that works.

To be honest, I have never been to the deep south, or any kind of south. Florida being the closest. I don't really count that though, maybe I should. I don't know much, but I like to dream about it. I like to pretend I know everything about everything. Being indignant and stubborn makes people think that you know what you're talking about. My lungs hurt, I need to stop smoking. I don't really want to though.

As sick as it is, I like depending on something so useless. Sucking at the tips of something deadly, inhaling tiny puffs, and then I reek of something forbidden. Only, its not so forbidden anymore, I think I'm losing interest. I get bored easily. And I change my mind more often than I change my underwear.

I haven't written a poem in a month. I haven't written a poem that I cared about in a year. I'm being dramatic, and deadpan. That is my shield, everything is huge and I don't give a shit about it. Because I tend to get upset about small things. or misunderstandings. And I'm too impatient to wait for an answer, so I make up my own.

I'm starving, and I want to learn about everything that ever happened. And why things are still happening, and when they will stop. I have goosebumps and I am going to go out into the storm soon. Maybe. Probably not, to be honest.

Today I am going to read and listen to Benny Goodman. Its Sunday, and I have nothing that needs to be done. Thats actually far from true. Be careful about things that I tell you, there is a 75% chance that I am lying.