every word is fake

In a manner of speaking

In the emptiness of everything

Of myself and my self

I don’t want to scare you

I don’t want to do the wrong thing

I think I’ve already done the wrong thing

I think its too late

I think that now

I am

Slowly shifting back to the old ideas

I am a fool

I will never smoke again

I lie to myself, I don’t even like it

Its just this thing I do to keep from weeping

It kind of just dries me up

I wonder if I’ll make it to morning

I have to learn to do things alone

Maybe its better that I have burned all of my bridges

Its time to start over

It is time for me to be new

To be me

In no accordance to anyone else

This is my revelation

I am writing it down

And each word that lasts longer than a heartbeat will stick to my skull

Until I am weeding my garden of old pebbles and the sky breaks open

I wonder

If its hard to tell that I am damaged

Half the time I spend trying to prove to the world how normal I am

And the rest trying to figure out if I am really a fucking lunatic

I am going crazy

I can feel my sanity slowly slip

My heart latches onto someone who I feel I can trust

And/or love

And/or fuck

And/or trust

And/or

And/or respect

I am a leech

In every journey there is a guide

There is that one wise thing that lends his or her advice

I am currently guideless

In my nightmares I am alone

Cast out to the streets lost and lonely

I am too afraid to be honest because

It isn’t a virtue

And I think to myself

…how can anyone not like me I just have to tell them how I feel

I try so hard to be good

But I have never been enough

I am reminded of a day when I was young

My teacher saw me sad and asked why I was so upset

My eye had been on a new friend someone who never looked my way

Soon after we became friends

I thought that was all I needed

But it turns out you can never be satisfied with what you have

Or at least I cant