you are the cosmic american, gal

its a beautiful day. one of the nicest i have seen in a long time. and yet i cant get myself out into it, im stuck here, wedged like a dutch boy in a dam. its become a daily thing, the "ok. youre done" mantra. its like the difference between "you can do this" and "i can do this." i discovered that one while i was driving.

i love to drive, it probably comes from something forgotten. its probably the seeds of something that never got to grow. the soil was too thick perhaps. maybe it smothered them. when i drive, it is the only time i feel like i am in control of anything. even if i fuck it up, even if i kill us all. its just me, and its just the road. ive started to develop massive control issues. i get tense if anyone so much as suggests something else. maybe i should work on my breathing.

ive been thinking a lot about college, as much as i can without actually acknowledging it. because then its real, and then i have to deal with it. today i did nothing. i took my trash out, actually. a rather large step. because i have been staring at the ever growing pile of junk next to my door for over a month now. todays the day. i dont know why it took me so long, it really was that easy.

i played ogre with my two little cousins. kids have gotten more violent since my time. threatening to kill and shoot, it makes me nervous. and it also makes me laugh. it sjust one of those things. like how i can't do anything perfectly, how that makes me upset. or how if i WERE to do something perfectly i would probably feel even worse. there is nothing to improve upon if it comes out perfect the first time. i think my biggest fear is knowing that my best is behind me.

the other day i was talking with my friend, and we were drunk, because we always are, and it was one of those high-speed-frantically-deep talks, where everything you say is exactly how it is. i told her then that my biggest fear was what i would feel the second before death. but now, im not so sure. i have always been afraid of death, a kind of paralyzing fear, that would never let me think of it or speak of it, because then it would make it true. i am absurdly lucky in the fact that I have so far never had anyone very close to me die. i couldn't imagine it. i know that someday i will have to experience that, but thats also one of those things that im just not ready to accept. anyway, the point for this second is, that im not afraid of death right now. im more afraid that when death comes, i wont be ready.

its beautiful out, and my family is fighting, and im more than a little bit lonely, but i dont actually want to be near anyone. its too much work. i guess im just constantly searching for that thing, those seeds that were smothered. is it the kind of thing that can be replanted? because i know that at some point i was there, i was at the sunny patch and i did something right. i guess time will tell if ive put myself into an unsolvable situation.

Wallow

What is the point of wallowing?
To me, wallowing seems to be the thing you do when its dark and the mirror doesn't seem to be working.
its that stupid brown piece of brick that just doesn't stand in with the rest of em.

I have a beautifully large and painful pimple on my right cheek. it actually isn't quite acne yet...but some sort of red pulsing pain in the ass. cheek. har.
you see, this is vitally important because beauty is pain, and without pain, you 'aint got shit going for you.

today i stayed in bed, mostly. and i thought, as i always do, about how i am and all of that b.s. how when i was young i would crush on just about any chick that came my way via the t.v.

this weeks mad crush is minnie driver. yeah, she has great lips.
let me tell you something about minnie. i used to hate her. back when i was young. a wee tot of 13 years. my aunt loved her. so i thought she was too old. and then my mother called this teacher in my school minnie driver. her name was minnie, so it wasn't completely off base. she dated the man that my aunt decided wasn't good enough for her. she babysat me once or twice. I think that she had a mustache.i KNOW she did. back to the driver...my god mother, who i lost touch with, decided to show me this movie...return to me. it starred the driver and david dooo something (he was in the x-files) i loved it. and now that i have decided to give my heart to an older, famous mother I'm ready to see it again.

the point is, that i always "decide" to hate things because of what my mother tells me. or anyone in that is significantly older than me, unless i find them intolerably attractive. like minnie. driver that is.

i wallow a lot. despite my distaste for it. its one of those hypocritical things that i am so well known for. i could be queen for hypocratica. really, i would be an excellent ruler. and i hate the decemberists. but only because novermeber happened. if you ask those close to me, over the summer of 2007 they were a very dear part of my life. or really, even before that. back in that great year of ninth grade, i clung to them like safety raft. that was back when heavy eye shadow was a staple in my life. that and dismissing those who helped me find who i am.
now she has a husband and kid.
what a life, right?
i think im one drink short. im one bed too small, or one charity too little.


thats alright. im kind of self righteous theses days. even thought i have gotten fat and anti-social. at least i can drive.

i hate you

its not over.

and im ok, i like the idea of people coming to me.

cant help it

freaky sweat bed

let me out. let me out. let me out. let me out. let me out. let me out. let me out. let me out. let me out let me. out.


let me out so i can get back in.

i dont even feel like it anymore

im off roadin', rut stuck and i got a bowl of green grapes (PLU# 4022).
i dont have a job, and no $$ in the bank. somehow all i want to do is see all of the vegetable numbers I can remember. . .
red peppers - 4088
green peppers - 4065
red onions - 4082
sweet onions (this is actually the number i would use for any onion that wasnt red) - 4166
red grapes - 4020
bananas - 4011
potatoes(loose) - 4027 ... or maybe thats sweet potato...
broccoli tops? - 4549
broccoli..everything - 4060
cantaloupe - 4050
liz lemons - 4053
limes - 4048
garlic - 4608
cucumber - 4062
green beans - 4066
cluster (i.e. every) tomato - 4664

- happy and fulfilled, right?

oh thats right, i forgot that it is a saturday night, and that normal people are social, generally. ive spent my day reading and avoiding people. i slept a lot too, and didn't get any work done.
best day ive had in a really long time.


im getting younger, i can feel it. its good though, i didnt know how to be my own age. hey man, ive never been this old before. this is brand new to me. im still working out some kinks.

bagels

we were asked earlier if the wind chill mattered.
of course we said "no" because that was the polite thing to do.
it was polite because apparently screaming isn't, and the way i look at you isn't.
i never really knew what it was like to be not told what to do, i dont work well under pressure. and i will hurt you, if you ask me to. im good at that sort of thing, the pretending.
the eating chinese food takeout with stoned christians and blacking out buzzards.
i caught the plague myself in the steamy shower scene that we never acted out.
and never always sounded like a harsh word, but i use it as deployment.
i use people like napkins and horrid dance moves. im not that twig or that rock. ive beaten it all before, and now im just trying to find my way back out.
you don't believe me.
but im magic, in the sense that my glitter is glued to the paper.
the rainbows drawn with crayola and dust.
my childhood eaten in a casserole.
baby girl, turn me on with you electric feel.