Tries to avoid the shortcut

This is the end of everything that I have ever known. What happens next could change everything. For a long time now I have been feeling the fever of change, it is burning me alive until I find that smoky reprise, where everything fits. What scares me, what amazes me, what takes me under is the fact that probably nothing will ever fit. In some ways this is a relief. For no one, would I change my person, but for a love I could conceive putting different aspects of my being out there. There are many to choose from, which is also frightening and a relief.
In the end, it will just be me, and I am fully aware of that. This life is for people, it is for you and it is for me. What this means to me means I can love like I have no tomorrow. It means that from now on, there is no reason to forget what I am saying now. It means that from this moment on I will spend my life finding joy and pain and every other detail that I cannot think of at this time.
It is shaming to say that I have been afraid for the majority of my life. This statement is true, however there was a time when I was the most carefree and happy person I could imagine. When the transformation took place, I could not pin point exactly. Possibly it occurred when I was five, that it happened so early is once again, frightening and a relief. The amount of time that I spent unhappy just means that there is less for me to not understand. For it is true, I do understand unhappiness, perhaps. This thought does not frighten me anymore. The only thing that frightens me is being afraid. Who was it that said “the only thing to fear is fear itself”? Franklin D. Roosevelt.
What I need to work on is taking myself out of a moment. To learn how to be without fully being there is something that I must master. This is all of course speculative because I cannot know what anyone else is thinking but me. The only thoughts that I know are my own. This is also frightening and a relief. To be able to read someone’s mind would be a dangerous thing, I personally already think I know what people are thinking all the time and that is a burden; whether it is true that I know these thoughts or not.
Mel Gibson starred in a movie called What Women Want. Apart from a wonderful use of alliteration, this movie projects the thoughts of women after Mel’s character falls into a bathtub and gets electrocuted. The thoughts that we the viewers hear along with Mel’s character (his true name slips me) are for the most part shallow and self involved. Does this portray women as vapid or just humanity? The fact that he is able to hear only women’s intimate thoughts bothers me slightly. Perhaps it’s just my Women Studies class finally getting to me, but this invasion into the most secret place that there could ever be, and to only venture into the minds WOMEN is degrading.
If you think about it, the mind is the one place that is impossible for other people to explore. No matter what anyone thinks, they will never know me unless I let them and that is the beauty of the mind. It is the ultimate escape place. No one can follow me there, and I use it often. It is almost as though it is my home, and to come out means leaving the safest place in the world. Perhaps my depression has been because I have spent too much time in my head. For the life of me I cannot believe why this would be true, only I can. If you spend too much time with yourself you become isolated from other humanity, which is vitally important as a person to find. If you do not spend enough time in your head then you become shallow and unconcerned with yourself, with your spiritual self at least. This is death.
It is important, in my views to balance these notions. One cannot spend too much time in their head, but they must also spend enough time there to understand themselves. It is tricky and almost unfair to ask of someone, but really, who is doing the asking? This might be too tangential even for me. Just going to have to take it anyway, sometimes it’s good to follow the white rabbit.
The subject of god, God, Allah… I couldn’t even begin to cover all of the names of that being. To be honest, I don’t know if I would want to. It is just such a mountain; I am very out of shape. But really, am I? It seems that I do a fair amount of thinking; I find love in me that I am not sure originated from me. Could it be that there is a being that cares for me, that knows I am here, that I am present, that my eyes are open? Is there an all knowing force? This goes back to reading minds. If there is a God that knows all, knows your shames and your joys then what? And what gives that being the right to know me when I myself do not. This is all theoretical of course, because who would want to admit to something like that.
There is that fear again, it is fear that is humanities greatest downfall, of that I am sure. It would be my pleasure to help fight that fear, I will be a warrior for hope.