i think youre beautiful

i think that you are beautiful. i think that even with the air this bitter, i can snuggle away until crunchy snow is gone.

aging back

My back is an old woman.
My lungs are an old woman.
Today my friend turned to an old woman.
I feel stupid.
I wonder if I'll get it done, or just be done.

night shaws

I have a really hard time talking these days. Maybe its because I spend so much time in the vacation resort (not) that is my head, or maybe its just because as I get older I get more and more socially insane. Maybe the two are not mutually exclusive.

I bought a bag full of snacks after work tonight. I don't know why, I didn't really want anything that I got...and it was a waste of money. This is my life. I'm finding it really hard to care about anything at all these days. Really, difficult. I have no passion left, just dull aches and pains. So, what do I do in order to feel again? IF ONLY IT WERE THAT SIMPLE. or is it?

hmm

interesting mood shift..
i guess talking makes a difference. who da thunk.
its snowy and beautiful out. i only work 5 hours today.
plenty of time for nothing. ive got back aches, and neck pains. ive been wrestling to get out of bed. but im turning it around (like i say everyday)
har
har
har.
stick bugs. mutiny. mutant.
id like to meet a mutant.
i probably am a mutant.

events

currently im in limbo. i have no idea where i am, or where i'm going. im sitting here watching alias with my mom, and gorging on cheez-its. cheesy zits. might as well be. i didnt get into college. sydney bristow just kicked someones ass. im lonely, and i try not to say it out loud (because of how it sounds???) im insecure. extremely. its funny, almost. or it would be if it weren't me. im scared to be around people, because i dont care about anything, and its easier to not care when im alone.

maybe ill just build myself a cage. trap myself there so that i can blame the bars for holding me back. blame the locks and lions that bind me like cement. my cat is beautiful. im not a dog person. im freezing. i took a steaming bath today and read harry potter (this was after i was rejected from kawledge) and i thought 'why cant my life be like harrys?
'. hes a baby. he has the emotional capacity of a five year old. he never really has to do anything for himself.

now take frodo...he has a struggle. he has a fight. (this christmas i got stoned and watched all three lord of the rings. i had a particular connection with gollum. should this worry me?) frodo must truly face evil, and it is masked as happiness. who wouldn't have a hard time with that? i can't say that i have the will power or proper state of mind to make the "right" choice. im having a hard time deciding whats real and whats a lie.

i dont know who i am, but im starting to. i think? i hope so. i know that im more open to it at least. thats a start. and i have the rest of my life to figure that out, right? whats with the hurry. it seems that i cant be young and i cant be old. im not ready but im too ready. and yet when i found out i wasnt accepted i ran to my room to cry and hold my kitten. thats how old i am. thats how why-ze.

i dont know where to go from here. hopefully it will be up. up. i want to meet someone i can be real with. someone who can show me what real means. im not sure if thats realistic or not. but sydney bristow just escaped the bad guys. the pilots over. and ill watch more, just you wait and see.


i used to be in love with her, you know. this was right around the time of my freshman year idiocy. what a joke. mmmm. pie.

TODAY

i fucked the dog.
its over and theres nothing i can do.

brain tumor?

i hope that the blinding pain behind my right eye isn't fatal.
w